As much as Sam is more engaged with the world, that is how much John is not. I’ve been thinking about my last blog, about joy and grief, and how two such opposite feelings can be felt at the same time.
Ever since I first discovered I was pregnant with twins, my world began to be colored by the enormity of two. Two babies, two little creatures who were going to need me to be their everything. What a miracle to be pregnant at all, but two? I really didn’t know if I’d be up for the challenge. When they were born, the utter exhaustion of caring for two newborns shaped my days and my emerging new identity…I was a Twins Mom. And as the months marched on, I thought I might be turning into a good one.
Today, my life and days are painted with a new defining quality — Autism Twins Mom. Today, Autism seems to get top billing. Autism seems to be the new enormity, the new exhaustion. And yet, there is also joy in tiny triumphs, the eye contact held for longer than ten seconds, the squeeze of the hand, the smiles that greet me in the morning.
Is it wrong for me to feel such happiness on hearing that Sam may outgrow his diagnosis? Am I betraying John, who I love so dearly, just by hoping for it? I know that one day I will instead call myself Mom of Twins Who Happen to Have Autism. It’s getting to that day that worries me, all the joy and grief standing between now and then.