A Night of Too Many Thoughts

I watched one of our Tivo’d shows: Children and Autism: Talk Brain (weird title) and ended up feeling depressed all over again. I come out of these shows/talks/books convinced we’re not doing enough to help John and Sam and in complete despair over ever being able to afford the “20-40 hour home ABA program” that seems to be recommended by every expert. That, contrasted with others (specifically the professionals currently in our life) who believe that we shouldn’t overload them with too much — “they’re only two.” (I want to know: what is this early intervention window for if not for doing as much as possible, um, early?)

Ten Other Things Stressing Me Out:
1. My work has slowed, which means I’m even more neurotic than usual AND I have too much time to dwell on the above. (will I ever work again? can we even do a home ABA program if we don’t have a home?)

2. Hubbie and I have not had a date night in months. (and we could definitely use it)

3. My allegiance to a weight loss program keeps faltering. (usually around 10 p.m. with a pint of ice cream)

4. My roots are 3″ long and my hair is a mess. (sigh)

5. Our appeal to the insurance company is, alas, not writing itself like I had hoped. (although I did actually start it and do furtive updates and additional research when J&S are napping)

6. J&S are not napping. (aargh…)

7. I have mountains of too-small baby clothing that I still need to tag for upcoming Twins Sale (no, not selling the twins—just baby stuff)

8. Box of photos from birth and beyond is overflowing. (still have not organized, scrapbooked, or otherwise spent enough time stressing upon)

9. Pile of still-to-be-read books on autism next to side of bed is dusty. (somehow all the fluff ‘zines get my attention at bedtime instead)

10. This list.


Leave a comment
  • HI Kal-
    My heart goes to you. It is a difficult journey with twins, let alone all the pressures we put on ourselves to do the “best” we can for them. I’m not sure where you live and I am assuming its not in BC. We have many services that are government funded for early intervention. I’m wondering what is available to you and your boys. It sounds like you are doing so much for them as it is, researching, loving, doing everything a mommy can to give them the best start. I am rambling, but I do care and understand the limitations and fears that autism bring as I work with children requiring support ( support teacher). Please know that even strangers in bloggerland are here supporting you through this journey. Carol

  • Kal,
    This is what gets me through, because I am where you are quite often. I call it “CrappyLand”…

    1. Deep Breaths
    2. Exercise
    3. Sleep
    4. Buying something nice for myself and it can not be food. (Ice cream is also a weakness of mine)
    5. Watching a good movie -they always let me escape for at least two hours from my life. Not quite a vacation, but a little bit of respite.

    6. Put the Autism books away!!!! I used to have them right by my bed also. It was a towering reminder of all the anxiety in my life. Now I have gardening magazines, trashy novels and my husband :o)

    I hope that all helps. It is my only way to steer clear of “CrappyLand”

    Hang in there,

  • Hi Kal,

    It IS hard knowing not just WHAT to do but how much or how little of it to do. After a year into my own journey I am trying to relax a little bit about it myself. What I am trying to concentrate on now is enjoying my children. I am focused on fun. Teaching my son how to have fun with me and his brother is my most important goal. If those bonds are strong enough, I figure, the rest will be a lot easier.


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