Reflections

August already. A year since I started blogging, a year since we got our official, official diagnosis. The month my babies turn three years old.

I am struck by how fast it’s all sped by and I wonder if I should feel any different, any wiser perhaps? I’ve picked up battle scars and experience along the way, I guess. Parents of the newly diagnosed actually come to me for answers (I wish I had them, the answers that is).

I’ve learned to go out in the world and look strangers in the eye. I imagine that now I look like a calm mother in the face of her screaming twins, not someone ready to burst into tears in a crowded grocery store. Maybe I even look blasé now, like oh this happens all the time, it’s nothing, look at the sale on tomatoes.

I no longer feel like I just got punched in the gut. The newness of autism is long passed. You could say I’ve learned to roll with it. Acceptance has been hard-won and a tightrope I occasionally teeter upon. What’s hovering underneath? Ah, just a pit of hopelessness, but at least it’s lined with ice cream!

I wear this shawl of motherhood like a ball of steel wool, my love is whole, complete, the softest part of me. And yet I bristle and prepare for battles unknown. How can it feel like yesterday that I cradled these boys in my arms?

5 Comments

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  • It does go way too fast. I love how you describe the feeling of loving softly, but strong and prepared. This is exactly how I feel.

    You and your boys have come a long way. Happy Birthday to John & Sam!!!

  • You really have come a long way! Yes, there are battle scars. Yes, you are wiser. At peace? I don’t know if that is even possible.

    Life really does whirl by us but atleast you are out of crisis mode now. I found that during crisis mode I didn’t retain much. Now that I am closer to accepting I find I am able to breathe and enjoy the moment more.

    I always look forward to your posts. They are always full of love for your boys!

    By the way, I have set up a new blog. I have so many locals lurking now that I often feel a need to censor my thoughts. I will keep the old site for them but am setting up another on vox where I don’t have to analyze my every word and hope not to offend those in our life. I want some anonymity again! Please stop by! Send me an email if you’d like to receive an invite! momwithoutamanual@yahoo.com

  • Can you believe that they are three? I can’t believe that mine will be, before long. Your boys have done so much, just since I’ve been reading your blog.

    It’s good to hear that you no longer feel like you’ve been punched in the gut. You sound a lot more relaxed than me–I look forward to getting to the kind of calmer place that you describe.

    If we have to teeter above a pit of hopelessness, please let mine be lined with Ben and Jerry’s Heath Bar Crunch!

    Happy birthday to the boys

  • Welcome! It took a year for me to finally get “it” together after Gabe’s diagnosis. Don’t you feel like you could make it through anything now? (lol)

    Happy Birthday John and Sam!!!!

    Take care,
    Kristin

    By the way, I love the new picture!

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