The Nights

Twins Dad is gone for the week — on business. This means that I’ve been on 24/7 mom duty to two boys who WILL NOT sleep through the night in this hideous apartment. Last night we were up from 2 until 6. I awoke to two boys jumping around on my bed, vying for the spot closest to me. They snuck in, no cries for me to come running — it’s become their late-night act. I marched them both back to their room and attempted to squeeze myself between them on the floor. Crying from one, maniacal laughing from the other. I tried music. I tried rubbing backs. I tried threats and bribes. I offered juice, changed a diaper, THEN changed wet sheets. I yelled, I’m not proud, I have no patience anymore. I threw things across the room — soft things at least, pillows, stuffed animals. There is no fury like that of a mom going on no sleep. And then, I hate to say it, I wanted nothing more than to walk out the door. Just leave. Let someone else do this because I am losing my mind. What kind of mother does that, thinks that. Well, I’m sure I’m not the first. I hope.

At last, Sam was out. John continued his silly talk and puzzle fingers until I held him tightly to my chest, feeling his breath rise and fall as he gave in to sleep, just as the sun started peeking through the edges of the blinds.


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  • Are you kidding? We were also awake last night from 2-6!! What is going on?!

    Anyway, I sympathize. My darkest moments come from long stretches without sleep.

    This too shall pass, right?

    How is the house coming? Still think you might be in soon?

  • I think back to the early days with twins and marvel at how good things seemed once I got some sleep–and how horrible they seemed when I didn’t. Being away from home must make matters that much worse.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog the other day. Reading blogs like yours makes me feel hopeful and relieved that I’m not alone, because I’ve felt alone in this for a while now.

    Love your blog, and your boys are beautiful.

  • No, you are most certainly not the first. Lack of sleep is the one thing that sends me to the dark side, literally. I just can’t function w/o sleep and so I know how hard it is.

    Hopefully, the house will be ready soon, Twins dad shall return and you, my friend, will get a good uninterrupted 8 hours. Hugs.

  • Oh, I so so feel for you. I have been there, complete with throwing stuffed animals and so losing my cool. Hang in there–what you’re doing is SO hard.

    Hugs to you…

  • You are certainly not the first to feel that. I felt the exact same thing this week. Sometimes it just gets too overwhelming. Especially with TWO! If my husband had been home, I would have walked out the door and taken a drive somewhere, but I didn’t have that option. So, instead, I curled up on the couch in a fetal position and cried and screamed right along with my boys. I know where you were and it’s a dark place, but don’t feel like your alone or wrong in what you were feeling.

  • You aren’t the first. I had only one son not sleeping and felt the same way. What matters is not that you thought these things…but that you didn’t act on them :). YOu are an amazing mom and amazing moms are hard on themselves.

  • One of the first things I noticed being different about my twins was the wild laughter at three o’clock in the morning.

    Hang in there–maybe when your husband comes back you could spend a few nights at a friend’s house. I keep threatening to sneak out to a hotel, but I haven’t actually done it yet.

  • fxsmoms right. You didn’t act upon those thoughts and if you didn’t have them, then you’d be strange. I’m so sorry you’re having it rough. This, too, shall pass. Sleep when they are and take it one minute, one second, at a time. I wish I had something more to help you.

  • I’ve been there many times …. earlier today in fact …. up half the night last night …. no school today …. let’s just say by 3 this afternoon it wasn’t pretty around here.

    Not a shred of patience left.

  • I too have twins that have autism who are 19. Only their father left us when they were 7. he got a young girl pregnant and so it goes. We have and are surviving. Lack of sleep is still common at times we have our meltdown days. One of my boys has adopted my bed and picking my battles in the interest of sleep, he’s been there for the lasst two nights. We are strong, have to be after all, we are all they have.


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