It’s So Loud Out There

I know I’ve been silent. Everything feels muffled to me these days — the way the streets do after a new snow. I reach out, I reach within and I come up empty. The words fail me because the feelings are all Pay attention to us! Don’t be rational about it, just wallow! On Saturday morning I sat in a parked car and sobbed. In that moment I felt outside myself, a bystander to something foreign and a little embarrassing. The me outside myself looked down at the me inside her car and asked Do you feel better now? Did you just need a good cry? Will you snap out of it now?

The morning did not start well. It began with a fight with Twins Dad over dishes. Of course all epic fights begin with something this inane, clearly standing in for bigger things. I do everything. I don’t feel appreciated. I’m scared. I’m tired. I feel like a bad parent. Who cares if it’s true, it feels true in that moment. At one point I stood in the kitchen and screamed at the top of my lungs, exactly the way Sam does when he doesn’t get his way. I felt outside myself then too. The me outside myself laughed at the me screaming in the middle of her kitchen.

I mean, it was a little funny — hours later, after we had hashed it all out and were speaking again. I realized that I can only change the way I react to this life, this huge life that we’re living — I can’t change much else.

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